The Gym Crush, Part 1
This essay is an introduction to a short story that will be included in Part 2. This specifically concerns gay / queer men and the need to expand and evolve our understanding of manhood, but hopefully other people can find this useful as well. Besides wanting to explore this unexpected “gym crush,” I was particularly motivated to write this after continuously coming across anti-trans gay men. It really bothers me, especially as someone whose activism began with LGBTQ advocacy way back in the dark ages before gay marriage. Those of us who are more open minded and aware need to do a better job of educating and talking to those in our “community” with these trans-exclusionary attitudes.
Of course I was aware of the existence of trans men but they were never nearly as visible as trans women in the gay community. For a long time it was totally off my radar. Then, apparently what happened is that the technology finally evolved allowing trans men to live more normally and embody their manhood. When I found out about hormone blockers and “stealth” and the existence of trans men who are not clockable, I was intrigued because it was something totally new and different. But there was no one I could talk to about it, because no one I knew was talking about these things. I suspected that some guys I knew were trans, but how or why would I ever bring up the subject? Especially since most of them seemed to be straight. Over time my curiosity grew into a desire to finally see what the fuss was about. My first experience with a trans man was in 2020 and I was very nervous. I was nervous because I’m not even a little bisexual and it was going to be my first time being intimate with a guy so different from myself.
My first experience made it clear he hadn’t had his “top surgery” and that he would be wearing a shirt over a binder. He also was not into receiving oral which was fine because I wasn’t ready for that — not yet. Parenthetically, one thing I’ve noticed over time is that Black trans men often seem to have a harder time accessing the healthcare that would enable them to “pass” or blend in with cis men. It’s ridiculous how racism and classicism affect everything. But anyway, this first experience was actually very hot and was a confirmation of something I suspected — that gender attraction for me was more about being attracted to masculine energy than anything else.
Fast forward to 2024. After having a few more experiences with trans men I decided that I needed to stop meeting them on hookup apps because I was tired of feeling like a piece of meat & dealing with the dumb shit that comes along with using those platforms. What I really desired was meeting someone organically, building a connection and letting something develop where we could explore the deeper levels of ecstasy beyond the superficial getting off. My sadness and disappointment over not finding what I’m looking for yet has motivated me to literally write what I want into existence. My own little version of creating my own reality. And isn’t that what fiction writing ultimately is?
The only indication I had that this guy at the gym might be queer was noticing how my body attracted his attention. The feeling was certainly mutual. And we can tell when people are checking us out. Back in April or May when I noticed this guy noticing me I brushed it off at first because such things happen; people notice each other and casually admire each other at the gym, no big deal. Also, I was at the gym to work out, and I’ve never been there “on the prowl.” But then I started regularly seeing this guy on the trolley on my way to the gym; it seems he lives not far from me and we got on the same schedule for a while. Then I began to notice that he was positioning himself near me while he worked out. Then I began to notice he would drift into the locker room around the same time I went in there. And if I’m noticing things it’s because they’re really happening. Honestly, it was flattering and I liked the attention; also, the more I saw him the more attracted I began to be to him.
Looking back, I can see he was shy and maybe that should have changed my approach. I never saw him interacting with anyone, and when you find yourself on the same schedule with people at the gym you start to notice these things. Maybe I came on too strong sharing information about covid, about my politics, about my art. Maybe it’s because I was lonelier than I realized. My travels, covid, my politics and my orientation to this society have certainly isolated me somewhat over the past few years. I think perhaps I latched onto this person, or to the idea of this person, “seeking a friend for the end of the world,” and so forth. However, I can say for sure it wasn’t only because this guy is good looking; there was something about him that was pulling me like metal towards a magnet, something that transcended the fact that we’re very different kinds of people. And while I would catch little flashes here and there that he liked chatting with me at the gym, I began to notice that he changed his schedule; on certain days I didn’t see him anymore and on the others he began arriving later and later. I began to get the feeling that he was starting to avoid me despite my efforts at reaching out. What had I done? What had I said? Or was it something else?
Not long after I started chatting with my gym crush I was scrolling on Instagram when I came across something that forced me to consider another reason for this guy’s obsession with Putin and his somewhat cagey behavior. A gay oriented page shared an interesting story about a soccer team made up entirely of trans men. This team was located in my gym crush’s country (I originally thought he was from Latin America but he’s from Europe). While it had never, ever occurred to me that this guy might be trans, looking back over our interactions I thought to myself…oh shit, hold up…maybe he is! It was something that honestly made me more curious about him, and I wondered if I would ever find out one way or another. I never brought up the soccer team being trans, but I did mention that I heard about a soccer team from his country and that it had an interesting connection to my art project. I wanted to see if he would bring it up later on, but he did not. I still do not know for sure if this guy is trans or not, but around the time he changed his schedule I began to get the clear impression that he was pulling back. Unfortunately, this caginess and stonewalling felt familiar. And because I didn’t want to make him uncomfortable or be a creep, I decided to come to the gym earlier on the two days I would normally see him. Also, it honestly bothered me that I had shared so much about myself with basically no reciprocation; I wanted him to know me but it seems the feeling was not mutual. After months of chatting with this person he was still almost a complete mystery and it felt like he was going out of his way to avoid sharing anything about himself.
I have tried to tell myself that it wasn’t that serious, that I should just forget about it, but it hasn’t been so easy. A situation that was going on right around the time I started noticing this guy in the gym probably had some impact on things. Back in January or February I had another situation develop where I was sharing things about myself with no reciprocation and playing guessing games, but in this case I was fairly certain the guy was trans. I knew him from the activist world and he was following me on Instagram — when I posted about liking trans men he would like the posts and shortly afterwards starting messaging me more. I thought something was going to happen but in April he abruptly made it clear he had changed his mind or whatever (basically he decided he wasn’t so bisexual after all). I was so thirsty for this guy and for some real man pussy that I admit I was not happy about it.
One reason why I’m beginning to explore manifesting my fantasies through fiction is because it’s almost impossible to manifest them in real life. We live in a social and political climate where trans people don’t feel safe and it’s only getting worse. People who can fly under the radar and be “stealth” are of course going to do so.
Most relevant to my situation today and historically is the fact that in the world of gay men, transgender men are almost invisible. This is why it’s almost impossible to find them off of the apps. Going out and meeting people at a club or a bar is not so simple when you’re not sure how someone might respond to you having different equipment than they were expecting. I get it. I know that no one owes me any explanations or information about themselves. I know that people have real reasons for wanting to be careful. Past trauma, past experiences with “chasers,” the fact that men can often be fucked up — there are real reasons why it can be hard to spark something off. But with this gym crush I felt that maybe I was finally close to finding something really interesting and worth exploring. I thought that maybe, just maybe something nice would happen after so much heartache. I thought that maybe I was going to find some much needed consolation.
