THE GYM CRUSH PT. 2: Clarity
Last weekend I got a random text on Telegram that helped me put things into perspective regarding this situation with my gym crush. It concerns an interesting coincidence about Russia. Be warned that compared to the last post this one will include some very frank and honest descriptions of sexual experiences.
As you can see, I responded right away. Before I say more about this guy and what he helped me to understand, let me first say that last August/September was a very stressful time and I was on Grindr a bit more than usual looking for a way to blow off steam. The guy above who wrote to me on Telegram showed up to the place where I was staying last September in Berlin shortly after we chatted and I was definitely impressed. I was impressed because he had not shared a face pic and I was a bit worried he might not be my type because I’m not sexually attracted to androgynous folks or ambiguous looking folks. Maybe it’s a bit problematic but it is what it is. I’m a gay man and I like men, so…I like people who look like men according to my standards of manhood. Other people can have other standards of what manhood means to them and that’s OK. This guy looked like any typical clean shaven eastern European guy, athletic build, very nice looking. His body was incredible, like a smooth, chiseled statue. Usually I prefer guys more on the thicker side and he was a bit closer to the twink zone than what I normally go for, but it was a nice change of pace, like being with a ballet dancer. While we were undressing and doing the customary pre-fuck small talk he told me he was from Russia and I found that to be very interesting, especially considering the political situation for LGBTQ people there. I had a bunch of questions and didn’t want to inundate him, but I was able to learn a little about his home town and that he was in Berlin as a tourist.
Guess who else apparently has some connection to Russia? The “gym crush”. A few months ago while having one of our recurring chats about Putin and the situation there, he told me he was able to read and speak Russian. I thought that was interesting considering the fact that he was from a Western European country that’s not usually associated at all with Russia. One of my favorite arthouse films is Russian, directed by a dissident who used the film to sharply critique the direction the country was going in. Thinking that this film could be a point of connection and a conversation piece, I bought it and held onto it, waiting for the right moment to give it to my gym crush. When I finally gave it to him I included a post it note with my phone number. I wasn’t expecting him to text me right away, but when he didn’t even mention the movie at all over the next few times I saw him, and when a few weeks passed without a text, I officially began to feel defeated. It really seemed that he was going out of his way to not engage with me.
Receiving this text from the Russian trans guy I hooked up with in Berlin last year made me sit up and think, wait a minute…I fucked that guy so good he never forgot it and randomly messaged me over a year later. Meanwhile, someone I’m regularly talking with and trying to vibe with can’t be bothered to text me or even show a passing interest in things I share with him. It’s hilarious! But there’s another thing… When the guy I met in Berlin told me he was Russian, I think that made me a little on guard because of everything that’s been going on between our two countries. Because when he invited me to come to his place for round two, I have to admit I felt a little paranoid. With everything going on in Berlin at the time with the mafia atmosphere around Zionism, I had good reasons for being wary. I think the overall situation affected the hookup to some degree. This Russian guy was the only trans guy I’ve gone down on who didn’t cum at least once. I pride myself on that skill and so I was trying my best, and he came sorta close, but we never quite got there. I was a bit disappointed about that because it’s like a challenge and I love getting that reaction, but thinking back, it’s just interesting considering the current situation where I’m unable to get any satisfaction from this other Russian speaker…who I believe has a more complicated origin story than he’s admitting.
It’s been a struggle to not feel bitter. Ultimately, the Russia connection is not enough to overcome the serious differences and the lack of reciprocity; this is why the feeling of anticipation of something possibly happening with that guy is disappearing in the rearview mirror. Partially because I was in Europe for most of last year, when he told me that’s where he was from I began to have these expectations about what kind of interactions we would have based on my past experiences with Europeans. But of course, people can be wildly different. At the end of the day this guy was just like a typical Amerikkkan, unfortunately. Nothing he has said or done justifies me feeling what I’ve felt. If anything, the fact that he basically ignored everything I tried to share with him was a huge red flag months ago. As an artist and an activist who has had my fair share of problems because of my politics and beliefs, it just sucks to have to endure feeling rejected on a personal level in such a random situation, like goddamn. And to be clear, once this guy had an idea of my politics and worldview, that’s when he started acting weird. It sucks knowing that privileged people with the “right” opinions are moving to this city from all over the world and establishing themselves fairly easily with careers and homes and love affairs while people like me are being pushed out and denied literally everything — including physical comfort. And it doesn’t matter if these people are queer, trans or whatever. The main factor with these dudes who have been acting weird and giving me stress over the past years is that they are white and privileged; this was true with my spoiled brat ex-partner in Germany and also with these random problematic hookups. Perhaps a clue as to what I need to avoid moving forward…
When I decided to go to the gym on an earlier schedule to avoid any weirdness I wasn’t looking for anything in particular, but already someone interesting caught my eye. Who knows what might happen, but I feel like I’m ready to not give up on meeting someone cool IRL who I can vibe with.
“If at first you don’t succeed, dust yourself off and try again
You can dust it off and try again”
Instead of feeling weird about checking people out at the gym I’m thinking that maybe I should lean into it (without being creepy of course) and see where the wind blows me. Fitness is a big part of my life and I’m there five days a week. Why not be open to the possibilities? As long as I keep my expectations in check and don’t come off as too thirsty, I don’t see the problem in trying to strike up a convo or an association with a cutie or two.
The Chaser
One reason why I’m sharing these personal things about myself and my desires as a part of my art is because I want other people to see that they’re not alone in grappling with certain things. I had to grapple with what it meant that the concept of manhood was more complicated than I realized growing up. I had to grapple with the changing gender affirmation technology that didn’t exist when I was a young man. But that’s life, things change. The mainstream wants everything to be simple, easy and straightforward. Men are from Mars, women are from Venus; pink and blue; sports versus ballet; dainty versus rugged. But many people don’t all fall into these neat little categories. You won’t always be able to determine everything about someone simply based on how they look. One thing I had to accept is that there might be some ambiguity; there might be some mystery, and there might be some things that take time or effort to learn about people.
One thing I’ve wanted to avoid being is a “chaser” and that’s why I got off of the apps. But what makes me most uncomfortable about that term is that those of us who legitimately enjoy trans men or even prefer them get lumped in with those who dehumanize trans people for sex. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with me saying that after twenty-six years of being sexually active my desires have evolved and I know that trans men do it for me in a way cis men don’t at the moment. I like complexity. I like diversity, and yeah, I like man pussy or whatever folks wanna call it. Some might say, well, what if you meet a trans guy who has had that part of his body changed or closed up or whatever. OK, sure, we can be friends, but I’ve spent enough years of my life engaging with sausage fests and anuses that I’m ready for something different…something more dynamic. After feeling cut off from certain anatomy for most of my life, it’s been wonderful to not feel like I’m banished from one half of humanity because I’m a gay man.
What I realized last year though is that Grindr simply wasn’t the place to find the kind of people and experiences I’m looking for. That platform is mostly for people looking to get off real quick, but I need more than that. And this is why I actually have not been with a trans guy since about a year ago in early December 2023. What’s been frustrating is that the months of effort I’ve put into trying to spark something off with certain guys didn’t lead anywhere and I ended up feeling like I wasted my time. But I know that patience is a virtue and that getting on Grindr, while easy, would only leave me feeling unsatisfied. Also, I like not having to worry about STD’s. Let’s keep it real about what’s going on in these streets…
Engaging with the Moche sex pots and the fascinating ways Indigenous people viewed sex, gender and sexuality has been a revelation. I hope folks reading this will look into it themselves because for me it’s been revolutionary. The Moche people were not shy about making sexually explicit artwork, but it was not all about titillation or individual pleasure.
While these erotic ceramics have a naughty playfulness aspect to them, they in fact highlight how for the Moche people (and others) sex was something that connected them with nature and with their ancestors. Sex as an avenue towards deepening connections instead of simply getting off real quick is something that sounds very interesting to me. Instead of hopping from person to person chasing cheap thrills it would be great to find one or two people to vibe with and go deeper with this stuff. And I know it’s something I need. I think this is the most valuable aspect of the situation with the “gym crush”. In the end we didn’t make a connection, but that doesn’t mean it was a waste. Because ultimately it was not really about him but about me coming to understand my own desires, what it means to relate to people around here, and what I need moving forward. I’m now looking at that situation as a preparation and clarification about what it is I want and need. And I know it’s only a matter of time before I find what I’m looking for.
